I’ve recently had my strap-line “all about the zombie apocalypse” called into question by Red who has also sent me toward the witty White Rabbits zombie-themed post here. So with my rep on the line I continue my ongoing series of ‘How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse’.  I’d like to consider armour.

I’m going to place these into two broad categories; ‘professional’ and ‘ghetto’. Professional is what you see happening in the movies where they succeed in finding a police station or army base somewhere that’s been left unguarded, unlooted and (often) unlocked. It’s the ideal… Ghetto is what you and I will end up; essentially how to armour yourself from the local Poundland.

So:

Professional grade anti-zombie armour. As I mentioned in previous posts I think the the most effective weapon against our worm-ridden foe is teamwork.  I suggested two waves of humans; one with a baseball bat or similar moving slowly forward and knocking over with a second wave advancing with killing weapons (I suggested a hammer and chisel).

As suggested by the excellent Zombie narrative survival guide, The Walking Dead, nothing, but nothing (especially not rotting teeth) beats riot armour.

It’s designed to be worn over a fairly long period of time (look at those guys at the G20 protests; beating away all day and not a bother on them!). It’s virtually impregneable and it comes with those fantastic shields. My ideal tactic to clear an area is to form a wall as pictured above, knock ‘em down with shields and batons, walk over their bitey molars confident in your armoured shins and let the second wave of chisel-bearers do their thing. Perfect.

Now, onto the more realistic alternative….

Ghetto armour. We’ve got the same problems here; biters. You knock a zombie down and what does he do? Bite your ankles. You walk through long grass, scanning the horizon and what happens? A zombie bites your ankles. You grab one by the shoulder and raise your arm to bring your trusty fireaxe down on his sodden head and what happens? Biting, that’s what. One bite and your friends will turn on you quicker than an avocado left too long in the sun.

One bite and it’s all over but how powerful is the human jaw really? How sharp? I know that, in Hollywood’s fantastical portrayals, a quick-acting zombie can gnarl its way through leather and denim… But I know that I couldn’t. I realise that, if I cared not a whit for the state of my jaw and teeth afterward, that there’s enough power in my bite to bruise flesh and possibly break bone but I don’t think I’d actually be able to pierce through strong materials and savour the tasty morsels within.

My solution? Simple. A good pair of hiking boots.

A good pair of gloves…

… a light but tough fabric jacket… and a shitload of gaffa tape wrapped all over. You ever try to bite that stuff? Belive me, Zack ain’t getting through it.

It even works if you  need to leave wounded behind for later retrieval. It won’t be pleasant but wrap them up and they’re zack-proof. Admitedly you’ll end up looking like this:

… but it’s a small price to pay for survival. A very small price actually; only a quid or two.

… What I need to think about next are a) a defensible location and b) supplies.