This is a part of my continuing journal recording my thoughts on surviving a zombie apocalypse. The most important word in the last sentence? Apocalypse? No. Zombie? No. Survival? Yes. Yes. And yes again. Our goal here is not to wage war against the living dead; counting success not in numbers downed but in inches of fetid zombie flesh carved into chunks around your ankles… No, this is not our goal. Our goal is to survive and make our way to a defensible location. For, no matter your skill and the efficacy of your killing instrument of choice; Zack will, given time, always win with the sheer number of inexhaustible troops.
So, when the time comes for me to hack, slash and bludgeon my way to safety what will I choose? Will I go for the kill and destroy the brain or will I aim to disable and flee?
The sledgehammer: undoubtedly, given my relative lack of training and skill and averageish physical strength, the unstoppable might of a sledgehammer bearing down on Zack’s brain has a great appeal. But, having used one very occasionally in my urban city-boy life, I know from experience that after a few good satisfying knocks I would quickly tire and be overwhelmed by my fetid foe. So no to Mr.Sledgey.
The baseball bat: I spoke at length about this with a friend (and possible team-mate during the Zombie Apocalypse, or ZA) last night. I initially guffawed at his suggestion of a titanium bat. Thinking that it had little chance of actually cracking open a human skull on contact first time, every time. But, as he quickly pointed out, the aim is survival not revenge. A baseball bat is a light, easily learned weapon that could inflict enough damage to, at least temporarily, down a good number of foes and clear a path to freedom. Also, assuming the Infected and not Zack was the foe in question; a bat will cause light trauma and concussion every time. Allowing for a secondary weapon (possibly a hammer and chisel or a hacksaw) to be used by a colleague to quickly and certainly dispatch felled enemies. So… Baseball bat… I’m not sold but I could warm to it; especially as part of a team effort to run a production line of zombie slaughter.
The trusted crowbar: the crowbar is given no small amount of praise in Max Brook’s seminal Zombie Survival Guide and who hasn’t had the urge to go a bit Gordon Freeman on their rotting asses… but… I’m not so certain. He makes the excellent point that, when travelling across infected territory, one must travel light. A primary weapon that can double as an indispensable tool is not to be dismissed lightly. Think of the well fortified office blocks and farmhouses that can broken into for a nights stay or the well stocked supplies of canned goods and medicines just waiting in locked cabinets for your trusty tool. Just think! But Mr.Brook’s suggested killing method leaves me anxious; I do not have the skill to successfully hook the end of the crowbar through an eye-socket to blend brain everytime. I simply don’t. This is perhaps a failing on my part but until such skills are tried and tested I would choose not to rely on them. Yet… perhaps in the team effort suggested above this approach would win out. A bludgeoning weapon such as a bat or crowbar being used to bring Zack to the ground and then either the pointed or hooked end of a team-mates crowbar rapidly plunged into said Zack’s brain could prove a trusted strategy.
The hand-axe: light and easily added to a travel kit. Enormously useful in rural environments for gathering materials and, to a lesser degree than our friend the crowbar, in urban environments for getting through locked doors in a hurry. An efficient weapon not requiring much skill… The hand-axe is a contender… But, imagine yourself faced with even three lumbering G’s. You swiftly brush aside the clawing hands and diligently bring your weapon to bear upon the skull. A satisfying cleft spells victory and, as your two remaining foes move toward you, you attempt to pull back only, with horror, to realise that your primary weapon is embedded too deeply in Zack’s broken skull… It’s stuck and you’re in trouble.
The hand-axe? No, not for me.
The machete? Even worse.
So? Given the above what is my close-quarters arsenal of choice? Team-work and the choice to survive.
