Alternative views on zombie apocalypse survival

I believe that it’s important, nay vital! That we all keep up to speed on the zombie apocalypse. While I have gifted you with essential reading and some essential thoughts on self-preservation, I’ll readily admit that I can’t cover every eventuality and that some of my ideas (like wrapping your injured comrades in bite-proof gaffa tape and leaving them on the battlefield for retrieval at a later date) havent’ always fallen upon agreeable ears.

So, in the interests of your survival, seek guidance elsewhere from time to time:

http://www.zombiesarecoming.com/
http://zombiebloggers.blogspot.com/
http://www.zombiesarecoming.com/

Zombieland…. oh yes

(Though I do feel that, in the interest of my continuing education on zombie-survival, that killing zombies is in fact not the way to go. Survival is key and survival is to be found in zombie-avoidance techniques)

Anti-Zombie training: to entirely desensitize oneself

A very very brief post once again (at home furiously working on coursework).

One of my concerns, and I’m sure this is shared, regarding the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse (‘ZA-Day’) is that, when it comes, I won’t be prepared.

All the reading, reflecting, planning the storing of canned goods won’t actually give me practice and experience.

If like me, you share this concern, you’ll be pleased to see I’ve collated a short list of links where you can gain some experience in Fighting Against Fetid Foes (FAFF) combat.

http://www.freewebarcade.com/zombie-games.php

http://www.kongregate.com/games/SeanCooper/boxhead-2play-rooms

http://www.zombiegames.net/games/The-Last-Stand-2.html

http://www.zombiehaven.com/games/zombie-horde-3.php

If you have any more suggestions, please comment. What we’re looking for are experiences where you can a) train your reflexes b) grow experienced with small arms and c) entirely desensitive you until you are cold murder machine.

Remember these aren’t just games, they could save you and your loved ones.

Anti-Zombie armour

I’ve recently had my strap-line “all about the zombie apocalypse” called into question by Red who has also sent me toward the witty White Rabbits zombie-themed post here. So with my rep on the line I continue my ongoing series of ‘How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse’.  I’d like to consider armour.

I’m going to place these into two broad categories; ‘professional’ and ‘ghetto’. Professional is what you see happening in the movies where they succeed in finding a police station or army base somewhere that’s been left unguarded, unlooted and (often) unlocked. It’s the ideal… Ghetto is what you and I will end up; essentially how to armour yourself from the local Poundland.

So:

Professional grade anti-zombie armour. As I mentioned in previous posts I think the the most effective weapon against our worm-ridden foe is teamwork.  I suggested two waves of humans; one with a baseball bat or similar moving slowly forward and knocking over with a second wave advancing with killing weapons (I suggested a hammer and chisel).

As suggested by the excellent Zombie narrative survival guide, The Walking Dead, nothing, but nothing (especially not rotting teeth) beats riot armour.

It’s designed to be worn over a fairly long period of time (look at those guys at the G20 protests; beating away all day and not a bother on them!). It’s virtually impregneable and it comes with those fantastic shields. My ideal tactic to clear an area is to form a wall as pictured above, knock ‘em down with shields and batons, walk over their bitey molars confident in your armoured shins and let the second wave of chisel-bearers do their thing. Perfect.

Now, onto the more realistic alternative….

Ghetto armour. We’ve got the same problems here; biters. You knock a zombie down and what does he do? Bite your ankles. You walk through long grass, scanning the horizon and what happens? A zombie bites your ankles. You grab one by the shoulder and raise your arm to bring your trusty fireaxe down on his sodden head and what happens? Biting, that’s what. One bite and your friends will turn on you quicker than an avocado left too long in the sun.

One bite and it’s all over but how powerful is the human jaw really? How sharp? I know that, in Hollywood’s fantastical portrayals, a quick-acting zombie can gnarl its way through leather and denim… But I know that I couldn’t. I realise that, if I cared not a whit for the state of my jaw and teeth afterward, that there’s enough power in my bite to bruise flesh and possibly break bone but I don’t think I’d actually be able to pierce through strong materials and savour the tasty morsels within.

My solution? Simple. A good pair of hiking boots.

A good pair of gloves…

… a light but tough fabric jacket… and a shitload of gaffa tape wrapped all over. You ever try to bite that stuff? Belive me, Zack ain’t getting through it.

It even works if you  need to leave wounded behind for later retrieval. It won’t be pleasant but wrap them up and they’re zack-proof. Admitedly you’ll end up looking like this:

… but it’s a small price to pay for survival. A very small price actually; only a quid or two.

… What I need to think about next are a) a defensible location and b) supplies.

Bespoke Zombie killing weapons

To follow up on my series of essential zombie tips: http://waxydan.wordpress.com/tag/zombie/ … http://zombietools.net/ are selling “Accessories for the Apocalypes”. While this:

Zombie tools sword

… seems an ideal choice if you happen to be Mila Jovovich, I, on the hand, am not a svelte genegineered superninja. I therefore have little faith in these garish show-off weapons to protect me.

I have more faith in this beauty:

ATAX super hand axe thingie

The designer describes it like this:

“You can either use it as a knife or lash it to a stick and use it like an axe. The high-carbon steel main blade measures 4-1/2″ with the tool’s overall length coming in at 5-1/2″. With the various metrics laser-etched on the blade, you can tell time (like with a sundial), measure angles, and judge distances. With some slingshot tubing, you can turn the ATAX into an arrow launcher for hunting game. The micarta handle conceals a small storage area for various survival items like matches and twine and MacGyver brand paper clips“.

As a secondary weapon I think this makes a whole lot’ve sense. If I’m to journey for some time; this integrates a lot of essential equipment. It’s small so I can get it off my belt and into a zombie’s head fairly quickly. Without the long handle of say a fire-axe, I don’t think it would carry the same momentum from my relatively puny arms… but it would do the job.

This, a riot shield, and a good pair of running shoes (made suitably bite-proof with gaffa tape) and I’m sorted.

The Walking Dead: My hate for a fictional character is boundless

Walking Dead Cover

What to do? I’ve been reading this comic (The Walking Dead). It’s bloody good. The premise is a great one for anyone who likes zombie movies for the ‘right’ reasons (in my pompous opinion). That is; for the character drama created by this extreme situation rather than the blood and guts (though certainly they’re in no short supply). The idea, as the writer introduces it, is that he is normally frustrated at the end of a good zombie movie. That we have these snapshots of people trying to survive, both physically and morally, and then it’s over… What happens next?

Here, in the Walking Dead, we’re going to see it. We’re going to see what years of living in a brutal world does to a person. What a good kind man becomes when viciously smashing skulls becomes part of day-to-day life.

The characters are fascinating and all too human. I’ve come to really care about what happens to them; particulary the central hero and his family.

But, it wasn’t until I read the most recent collected editions that I realised how much.

He’s come through a lot, he really really has. So when he finally makes contact with another group of survivors I was genuinely delighted. A lucky break, I thought! Horrah! Lodgings and comfort and all manner of good things! This is unusual; in that, had I thought about, a comic about some guy living happily ever after probably isn’t going to be that compelling. But I care for him and his group so I felt genuine relief.

Which was nothing compared to the genuine horror I felt when the situation turned on them. When, in one terrifying sentence, it became very clear what was actually going on. When limbs were lost and brutality of a Pol Pot level was visited on these characters I was affected. I found it difficult to turn to the next page to find what new torture was going to be laid onto these fictional creatures.

It’s been a long time since I was so affected by a comic and, I guess, it’s a hallmark of good writing.

But what I found *really* disturbing was my reaction when the tables were turned on the villian. When one of my heroes escaped and decided that escape was not sufficient; that vengeance need to be meted out; I found myself eagerly turning each page. I really wanted this guy to suffer. The torture scene is surprisingly prolonged and, while not overly visual on the page, certainly leaves little room for the imagination. The reader is almost eager for the scene to last longer; for dozens of pages to be filled with the bad guy being brutalised in all manner of ways. And that makes you (me) sit back for a moment and consider my role as a reader here. Also to spend weeks pondering questions of revenge and justice. Especially in this fictional extreme environment where there is no rule of law.

It’s great writing to produce such a reaction; I think the last time I found myself really questioning my motivation as a reader/viewer was watching Man Bites Dog in the cinema over a decade ago. It’s good stuff and I’d be very interested to know what anyone else thought about it.

Killing Zack up close and personal: Appendix 1

An afterthought to my most recent post regarding close quarter combat with zombies:

I spent no small amount of time on Saturday evening discussing this with friends and, while the value of teamwork was generally agreed, a few extra weapons were suggested. Some I’m going to choose to dismiss out of hand (sorry Dave) as neither a katana, halberd nor a medieval mace are readily accessible in my daily life but… the fireaxe struck a cord.

A fearsome, easily used, weapon that doubles as a door-levering tool (see the back of the bladed head) and also as a good short shoving weapon for when escape is preferable to destruction.

Killing Zack up close and personal

This is a part of my continuing journal recording my thoughts on surviving a zombie apocalypse. The most important word in the last sentence? Apocalypse? No. Zombie? No. Survival? Yes. Yes. And yes again. Our goal here is not to wage war against the living dead; counting success not in numbers downed but in inches of fetid zombie flesh carved into chunks around your ankles… No, this is not our goal. Our goal is to survive and make our way to a defensible location. For, no matter your skill and the efficacy of your killing instrument of choice; Zack will, given time, always win with the sheer number of inexhaustible troops.

So, when the time comes for me to hack, slash and bludgeon my way to safety what will I choose? Will I go for the kill and destroy the brain or will I aim to disable and flee?

The sledgehammer: undoubtedly, given my relative lack of training and skill and averageish physical strength, the unstoppable might of a sledgehammer bearing down on Zack’s brain has a great appeal. But, having used one very occasionally in my urban city-boy life, I know from experience that after a few good satisfying knocks I would quickly tire and be overwhelmed by my fetid foe. So no to Mr.Sledgey.

The baseball bat: I spoke at length about this with a friend (and possible team-mate during the Zombie Apocalypse, or ZA) last night. I initially guffawed at his suggestion of a titanium bat. Thinking that it had little chance of actually cracking open a human skull on contact first time, every time. But, as he quickly pointed out, the aim is survival not revenge. A baseball bat is a light, easily learned weapon that could inflict enough damage to, at least temporarily, down a good number of foes and clear a path to freedom. Also, assuming the Infected and not Zack was the foe in question; a bat will cause light trauma and concussion every time. Allowing for a secondary weapon (possibly a hammer and chisel or a hacksaw) to be used by a colleague to quickly and certainly dispatch felled enemies. So… Baseball bat… I’m not sold but I could warm to it; especially as part of a team effort to run a production line of zombie slaughter.

The trusted crowbar: the crowbar is given no small amount of praise in Max Brook’s seminal Zombie Survival Guide and who hasn’t had the urge to go a bit Gordon Freeman on their rotting asses… but… I’m not so certain. He makes the excellent point that, when travelling across infected territory, one must travel light. A primary weapon that can double as an indispensable tool is not to be dismissed lightly. Think of the well fortified office blocks and farmhouses that can broken into for a nights stay or the well stocked supplies of canned goods and medicines just waiting in locked cabinets for your trusty tool. Just think! But Mr.Brook’s suggested killing method leaves me anxious; I do not have the skill to successfully hook the end of the crowbar through an eye-socket to blend brain everytime. I simply don’t. This is perhaps a failing on my part but until such skills are tried and tested I would choose not to rely on them. Yet… perhaps in the team effort suggested above this approach would win out. A bludgeoning weapon such as a bat or crowbar being used to bring Zack to the ground and then either the pointed or hooked end of a team-mates crowbar rapidly plunged into said Zack’s brain could prove a trusted strategy.

The hand-axe: light and easily added to a travel kit. Enormously useful in rural environments for gathering materials and, to a lesser degree than our friend the crowbar, in urban environments for getting through locked doors in a hurry. An efficient weapon not requiring much skill… The hand-axe is a contender… But, imagine yourself faced with even three lumbering G’s. You swiftly brush aside the clawing hands and diligently bring your weapon to bear upon the skull. A satisfying cleft spells victory and, as your two remaining foes move toward you, you attempt to pull back only, with horror, to realise that your primary weapon is embedded too deeply in Zack’s broken skull… It’s stuck and you’re in trouble.

The hand-axe? No, not for me.

The machete? Even worse.

So? Given the above what is my close-quarters arsenal of choice? Team-work and the choice to survive.

How to survive a zombie attack

The good fellows at Commoncraft have taken a break from their regular (and very useful) guides to web tools to bring us some very pertinent information; how to survive a zombie attack.

Zombie Apocalypse: what are my chances?

Damn! My chances of survival are 38% according this (http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/worldwarz/) online risk calculator. Seeing as the actual percentage of survivors were far far lower… I guess it’s not too bad… But I still feel I need firearms training and to get better on the bike.